I've Got Soul, But I'm Not a Soldier
by cdfe88
Summary: Ever wondered what Chris was thinking right before he faded away? OneShot Inspired on not copied from a song by The Killers.


**A/N: Hi guys, ****it's**** me again, doing another one-shot, I promise I'm really working hard on my AU ****fic****, but I've always wanted to this in-canon, semi ****songfic****I hereby disclaim the ownership of any of the ****Charmed**** characters. And the song "All These Things That I've ****Done****" is property of The Killers, one of the greatest band ever. So, again I exhort you to review this work, as well as my other ****fics**** "Self Referencing Vision" and "The ****Hexenmeister****".**

**"****I've Got Soul, But I'm Not a Soldier****"****by cdfe88**

When there's no where else to run, they say, the first place that comes into mind is home. One can take refugee in their own memories and illusions; I guess I just took it one step beyond the simple figure of speech. It was either running or confronting him. I had lost everything and everyone, but I had the hope that I could get him back. So I decided to run. Run for a time before everything went down the drain. I just had to preserve the peace.

I had to refrain myself from the emotional attachment. I longed for my family again, but I knew that at time there was no room for one more son. So I had to hold on, hold on, hold on…It almost reminded me of the time I lost you, mom. I was consumed by grief, and I was also left with Leo. Not Dad, but Leo. It took me some time to learn how to tell them apart. Leo wouldn't stop complaining that I didn't have what was needed to triumph. Dad was, or more appropriately, will be there for me opposite to Leo. He never let me shine, not even when I fought for the hearts of men and women out there. But I had to stand up, I had to let go, I was the world's last hope. You don't know what I had to live, in a way you do, but in some other ways you really don't.

I regret that it took my brother's life for me to get a meaning and a purpose in life. I had suspected, but my suspicions were confirmed once Wyatt slammed me cold against the wall in the attic. Looking at my broken hand that had to heal by itself, I learned I had to take whatever headache or heartbreak that should come. I had to be much older than I could take, that was the only way of becoming stronger. The headaches were my daily bread, trying to figure out how to recover a soul consumed by such amount of darkness would've turned anybody crazy, I was told. But what really got a toll on me was my only heartbreak. The day she betrayed me, the day I learned Love couldn't really conquer everything.

Much more events made me what I am, mostly deaths which taught me how affection comes and goes. I had lost faith in every kind of love. Love for my family, love for my fiancée, love for the world, love for my life…I had nothing else to live for, it was all a direction to perfection. I tried to be perfect. Perfect like my brother, perfect to take charge for the forces of good, perfect to not lose my stand and to seem strong for those under my protection, perfect to not blow my cover. My brother was perfect, but that didn't end well. I didn't want to be perfect, but I was expected to be. I didn't want to be perfect, no, no, no…

Luckily, you managed to help me out. You gave me a place to run to. You showed me there indeed was room for one more son. At first I thought the changes wouldn't be changing me, that I would remain the cold-hearted boy I learned to be. But you all brought yourselves down for me, you really helped me out. As the time passed, the truth was revealed. I felt safe, I felt that I could reach to your hearts; I felt that you wouldn't put me on the back burner. For once in almost 10 years, I felt loved and welcomed. How I regret that this feeling has to come to a halt, guaranteeing pain for everyone.

All your support really helped me to be at ease in my current state. We achieved mutual trust, and I trust you guys to finish what I started, so the future can be saved. I can only hope my brother isn't destined to become an evil tyrant. Because in the end I realized that even though I had got the soul, I was not really a soldier. I couldn't fight him, I couldn't hold on until the end. I am done, Death has finally got me. I hear all my sins calling me now, dragging me to hell. Soon everyone will feel lost, but I can be sure that the battle will be won, with all these things that I've done. There was a time when I believed what Aunt Phoebe said was true, that my destiny was only to warn you about Wyatt. I hope she's wrong. I believe in you, and I hope you can hold on…

(_Last musings of Christopher Perry Halliwell_, November 2004)

**A/N: So, what do you think? I accept anything from 'It rocks', to 'It sucks'. Not one of my best works, but had to get rid of that idea. So tell me, am I good at one-shots, or should I just stick to longer works? Please review, and if you have the find please do so as well with my other stories.**


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